Last Wednesday night,(08/18/10) I am sitting home alone already in my pj's watching tv and talking on the phone with my friend Kathy, when my cell phone rings. It is my nephew, Nick, he wants to know if it is alright for him to come over and see me. Of course I say just give me time to get dressed!!!
About 10 minutes later he is at the front door with his girlfriend Kerri. He has come to say goodbye as he was leaving for college on Thursday! I looked at his young man and thought where have the last 18 years gone? How did he grow up so fast? He can't be old enough to go to college.
I missed the first four years of his life as my brother did not allow me around his family. So I only had fourteen years to watch him grow. I remember the first time I took him to the movies, the day I bought him his first baseball bat and glove and day I taught him how to pee outside behind grandma's bush!!
I went to every soccer game, every football game from middle school to his senior year. I even became the secretary for the Weir Football Boosters for a child that was not mine. I am not asking for a pat on a back from anyone. I just want people to know how much joy nieces and nephews can bring to a woman who never married and because of that never had children of her own.
Has we sat here and talked that night he told me he didn't know if he wanted to be a pharmcist or a doctor. He said he really wanted to be a doctor. I told him that he has to do what he thinks will make him happy not what makes everbody else happy. I told him he can't worry about pleasing the world he has to decide what is going to please him. We weren't put on this earth to make the whole world happy we were put here to find our purpose in life and find happiness within ourselves with no matter what path we choose to take.
As he got up to leave I had to stand on my toes to hug him. Fourteen years ago I was picking him up and hugging him. Now he is a man who I am so proud to call my adult nephew. Now if I could just quit crying!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Family
What makes a perfect family? Is there such a thing as a perfect family? And if there is what makes a perfect family? I am one of five children, the only girl and the oldest. My birth father waked out when I was 3 years old leaving my mom, myself and my two brothers: Michael and Mark. When I was 5 my birth father signed away his parental rights so that my step dad could adopt us. When I was 5 my brother Sean was born, when I was 11 my brother Brian was born. When I was 43 years of age my brother Sean quit speaking to me. When I was 47 my brother Brian quit speaking to me, when I was 49 my brother Mark quit speaking to me. I still have no idea what my brother Michael is doing. I thought when I was 47 he quit speaking to me but yet he came to visit me when I was 48. I have sent several correspondences to him but he has never replied to one of them. So i guess now at the age of 49 he has quit talking to me!
Now I know I am no angle or a saint or perfect in any way but beleive me my brothers aren't either. All though I do have to say that the two youngest were pretty good kids. Michael, Mark and myself being full blood related siblings have the worst of relationships. You would think that the three of us would have the best releationship. We have done things to each other over the years and one brother thinks he is better than us other two and caused a lot of pain to our parents over the years but we let it go for our mothers sake. We let go the fact that he would not acknowledge us in public, said mean hateful things to us, said mean hateful things to our parents, did not invite us to his wedding, did not allow us in his home until 14 years ago. We let that all go and tried our best to get along.
And you would think that after all this time bygones would be bygones but low and behold our little brother slapped us in the face once again by not acknowleding us as an aunt and an uncle to his son. So now once again a family feud has irrupted and it is all my fault. My fault that my feelings were hurt that no picture of me, or my other brother or my other nieces were put into a video he made for his son's graduation party! After all the free babysitting, all of my personal time I gave up to help out with football boosters so his son would have food to eat after a game, or water to drink during a game, or raising money to support the organization, after not missing one single football game, going to my nieces volleyball games, all the money put out for birthday presents, christmas presnets, easter presents. Do I need to go on. And the best part - I never got a thank you. Never a thank you for the babysitting, painting the stadium, giving gifts of money. Not one damn thank you.
And I have no right to be upset because my picture, my other brothers picture or my other nieces picture were left out of a video for my nephew to see all the people who have been there for him throughout his life and cared for him. I have every right to be upset. And because I am upset I have been banned from his life once again. Not that I will miss my brother but I will miss my niece and nephew.
To quote my brothers wife:"Life goes on". And it will for me. I have no anger or spite in me I have pitty for two people who will have nothing once their children are gone! And life will go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I know I am no angle or a saint or perfect in any way but beleive me my brothers aren't either. All though I do have to say that the two youngest were pretty good kids. Michael, Mark and myself being full blood related siblings have the worst of relationships. You would think that the three of us would have the best releationship. We have done things to each other over the years and one brother thinks he is better than us other two and caused a lot of pain to our parents over the years but we let it go for our mothers sake. We let go the fact that he would not acknowledge us in public, said mean hateful things to us, said mean hateful things to our parents, did not invite us to his wedding, did not allow us in his home until 14 years ago. We let that all go and tried our best to get along.
And you would think that after all this time bygones would be bygones but low and behold our little brother slapped us in the face once again by not acknowleding us as an aunt and an uncle to his son. So now once again a family feud has irrupted and it is all my fault. My fault that my feelings were hurt that no picture of me, or my other brother or my other nieces were put into a video he made for his son's graduation party! After all the free babysitting, all of my personal time I gave up to help out with football boosters so his son would have food to eat after a game, or water to drink during a game, or raising money to support the organization, after not missing one single football game, going to my nieces volleyball games, all the money put out for birthday presents, christmas presnets, easter presents. Do I need to go on. And the best part - I never got a thank you. Never a thank you for the babysitting, painting the stadium, giving gifts of money. Not one damn thank you.
And I have no right to be upset because my picture, my other brothers picture or my other nieces picture were left out of a video for my nephew to see all the people who have been there for him throughout his life and cared for him. I have every right to be upset. And because I am upset I have been banned from his life once again. Not that I will miss my brother but I will miss my niece and nephew.
To quote my brothers wife:"Life goes on". And it will for me. I have no anger or spite in me I have pitty for two people who will have nothing once their children are gone! And life will go on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Mother's Day
Tomorrow is Mother's Day! Tomorrow will be my 49th Mother's Day with my mom. Of course I don't remember those Mother Day's when I was very young nor did I go all out in my teenage years. I would have to say that I really started putting thought into Mothers Day was when I was in my 30's. I have tried to make the last few really count.
I just called my mom an hour go and cried to her because I am sick. I have hives all over my face, legs and torso! Hives the day before Mother's Day. Now it was a lot more than the hives that made me cry. Menopause is kicking my ass and I called mom to tell her about my hives, my bad period and the mess it caused in my house. She sat and listend. She wanted to come over but I told her no that if the hives got worse I would call her so she could take me to the hospital. I am 49 years old and I still want my mom when I am sick. I still want comfort from my mom when I am sick.
My mom and I had some ruff times in the 49 years I have been on this earth. My teenage years were rebelous, my 20's were pretty wild, my 30's I finally moved out of the house. We still had some ruff years in my 30's. In my 40's we have finally become friends.
No matter how many times I treated her like shit, ignored her, yelled at her, rebelled against her or just plain told her I wanted no part of her. She never gave up on me. She continued to love me and continued to be my mom. And let me tell you I was not an easy child to raise. Because of some things that happened to me I took it out on her. And I did not realize until my 40's that I should of turned to her for help when all those things were happening to me and she could of made it better. But I didn't and now I wish I would of.
No matter how old we get we always need our mom's. I have no husband, I have no children but I have my mom and I hope and pray that God allows her to be with me here on Earth for a several more years.
I just called my mom an hour go and cried to her because I am sick. I have hives all over my face, legs and torso! Hives the day before Mother's Day. Now it was a lot more than the hives that made me cry. Menopause is kicking my ass and I called mom to tell her about my hives, my bad period and the mess it caused in my house. She sat and listend. She wanted to come over but I told her no that if the hives got worse I would call her so she could take me to the hospital. I am 49 years old and I still want my mom when I am sick. I still want comfort from my mom when I am sick.
My mom and I had some ruff times in the 49 years I have been on this earth. My teenage years were rebelous, my 20's were pretty wild, my 30's I finally moved out of the house. We still had some ruff years in my 30's. In my 40's we have finally become friends.
No matter how many times I treated her like shit, ignored her, yelled at her, rebelled against her or just plain told her I wanted no part of her. She never gave up on me. She continued to love me and continued to be my mom. And let me tell you I was not an easy child to raise. Because of some things that happened to me I took it out on her. And I did not realize until my 40's that I should of turned to her for help when all those things were happening to me and she could of made it better. But I didn't and now I wish I would of.
No matter how old we get we always need our mom's. I have no husband, I have no children but I have my mom and I hope and pray that God allows her to be with me here on Earth for a several more years.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The size of a person
The other day a person asked me if I knew so and so and I said yes, why? She said well I heard she was huge! I looked at her with daggers in my eyes! As an over weight person I was offended by this remark and who an the hell cares how much a person weighs? Isn't it what is on the inside of a person than the size of the person?
Just because someone is over weight does that make them a bad person? Why is it so important what makes a person a person by the how much they weigh? No one in this world is perfect only God is perfect. We should not judge one another by how much they weigh but by how much their heart weighs. Just because a person is over weight does not mean they don't love, they don't care, they don't have compassion, they don't emphasize, they don't sympathise. What has happened to this world? What have we become?
I have been over weight most of my life but that does not mean I don't have feelings for people, that I don't love, that I don't understand, that I don't care what happens to a person or their family. Just because I am over weight doesn't make me less of a person.
And to quote Cameron Manheim when she won her first Emmy "Here's to all the fat girls of the world". We rock!
Just because someone is over weight does that make them a bad person? Why is it so important what makes a person a person by the how much they weigh? No one in this world is perfect only God is perfect. We should not judge one another by how much they weigh but by how much their heart weighs. Just because a person is over weight does not mean they don't love, they don't care, they don't have compassion, they don't emphasize, they don't sympathise. What has happened to this world? What have we become?
I have been over weight most of my life but that does not mean I don't have feelings for people, that I don't love, that I don't understand, that I don't care what happens to a person or their family. Just because I am over weight doesn't make me less of a person.
And to quote Cameron Manheim when she won her first Emmy "Here's to all the fat girls of the world". We rock!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
First and Last Client of the Day
My 9:00 appointment was on time for the first time. My 9:00 appointment was stoned out of her mind. My 9:00 appointment had put her kids on the bus before she came to the office. She walked out of the office with major benefits. No thank you, no have a nice day!
My last client of the day was a 66 year old widow living off of $860.00 per month. She had a shut off on her electric which we paid for. The woman qualified for food stamps and medicaid and you know what she told me? She didn't want the benefits. She said there more people out there that needed them more than her. She said she did not want to prevent someone else from receiving benefits. I explained to her that she would not prevent anyone from receiving benefits if she received the ones she was entitled to. I pleaded and begged her for an hour to accept the benefits and she refused!
It broke my heart! I never wanted to help someone so much since I began this job 12 years ago. The one client that I could help and she refused the benefits. She was to proud to accept help. There are good and decent people in this world and I truely beleive this woman is one of them.
As I walked her to the exit door she thanked me for the help I gave her and told me to have a nice day!
My last client of the day was a 66 year old widow living off of $860.00 per month. She had a shut off on her electric which we paid for. The woman qualified for food stamps and medicaid and you know what she told me? She didn't want the benefits. She said there more people out there that needed them more than her. She said she did not want to prevent someone else from receiving benefits. I explained to her that she would not prevent anyone from receiving benefits if she received the ones she was entitled to. I pleaded and begged her for an hour to accept the benefits and she refused!
It broke my heart! I never wanted to help someone so much since I began this job 12 years ago. The one client that I could help and she refused the benefits. She was to proud to accept help. There are good and decent people in this world and I truely beleive this woman is one of them.
As I walked her to the exit door she thanked me for the help I gave her and told me to have a nice day!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Christine Smith Freeze
As many of you know I was without a computer on February 24, 2010. On that day my dear cousin Chris lost her battle with cancer. I could not post as I had no computer. I just got my computer back yesterday and after getting caught on Facebook I went and got caught up with my emails. And there in the mass of emails was the email from Chris' sister Robbie to the family telling of us of Chris' death and attached a copy of her obituary! Now I have known since February 24th Chris passed but it did not hit me until I went in and deleted her from my email contacts! I just hit the delete button!
Isn't it amazing how fast someone disappears from our lives? We just hit the delete button and it is final. She is gone. I will have no more contact with her. I can't email her, I can't pick up the phone and call her. I can't tell her how much she meant to me. I can't tell her how proud I was of her for all that she conquered on her short time on this planet. Or tell her thank you for always being there for me when she was 20 years old and I was 10 and she helped me make a doll. Or thank her for always spending time with me when I was such a pain in the ass child!
Yes, it finally hit me today she is gone. But I will never forget her. I have my memories, my pictures and the love I carry in my heart for her. She will always be a part of my life and always in my heart.
She was truely an amzaing person who will never be forgotten. To her daughters Tracy and BJ you were so blessed to have this woman as your mother and through the two of you her legacy will live on as her love does for the two of you even in death.
I love you Chris and my heart goes out to Tracy and BJ and her two grandsons. You were my hero.
Isn't it amazing how fast someone disappears from our lives? We just hit the delete button and it is final. She is gone. I will have no more contact with her. I can't email her, I can't pick up the phone and call her. I can't tell her how much she meant to me. I can't tell her how proud I was of her for all that she conquered on her short time on this planet. Or tell her thank you for always being there for me when she was 20 years old and I was 10 and she helped me make a doll. Or thank her for always spending time with me when I was such a pain in the ass child!
Yes, it finally hit me today she is gone. But I will never forget her. I have my memories, my pictures and the love I carry in my heart for her. She will always be a part of my life and always in my heart.
She was truely an amzaing person who will never be forgotten. To her daughters Tracy and BJ you were so blessed to have this woman as your mother and through the two of you her legacy will live on as her love does for the two of you even in death.
I love you Chris and my heart goes out to Tracy and BJ and her two grandsons. You were my hero.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Death of My Cousin
My cousin Chris passed away on Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at the age of 58. She was surrounded by her daughers and her sister when she passed. I will miss her dearly.
As soon as I get my compute up and running I will write more on this amazing woman whom was my hero!
As soon as I get my compute up and running I will write more on this amazing woman whom was my hero!
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